Listen, talk, distract!

Just strike a conversation to stop someone from suicidal thoughts!

Nona Walia

I write this blog with lot of sadness. Someone I knew ended their life on a cold January evening. She had been regularly commenting on my facebook posts after I wrote my book on Mental Toughness. On my last facebook post around my book her anguish was visible – she wrote how tough it to be mentally tough. The only visual of this former colleague that comes to my mind is, when I saw her in epitome of her power, with the glow of her glory. As is the law of nature, everything passes. We must learn to flow with the good and bad.

We failed her as a community. We try to hush people’s stories of weakening mental health. We hush stories of suicide. The shame of vulnerability gets too much. We need to get over this shame surrounding mental health. We need strong conversations that help and stop people from ending their life.

So, as a tribute to her, I write this blog so that we in communities and societies can help someone who is surrounded by dark thoughts of ending it all. We as a society must create caring networks and just listen in.

The despair stories are getting out of hand. Great tragedies aren't the threshold requirement for suicide anymore. The reason can be anything. Situational despair — the kind that comes from the death of a loved one, heartbreak or a sudden bankruptcy. Or just an impulse. Families don't listen to people's sadness stories. The sadness and loneliness drives people to the edge and end their lives.

Have we have forgotten the art of listening to those around us? Those pleas of help. Or do we just lend a superficial ear to their stories.

In a person's darkest hour, how do you cross the bridge between suicide and life? I spoke to Sergeant Kevin Briggs who had a unusual job: He patrolled the southern end of San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge, a popular site for suicide attempts. In his TED talk, Briggs shares stories from those he’s spoken — and listened — to standing on the edge of life.

"To bring back people from their darkest hour, I just listened. It gave me hope. Suicide is personal. They just want their pain to end. I've tried to stopped hundreds of people from suicide from the bridge," says Sergeant Kevin Briggs who had a unusual job. "What I have done when someone is about to end their life (jump from the bridge) is attract their attention to me by clapping/yelling at them. I try to get them to tell me a time of when things were going great. When they do, ask them why they don’t think that can happen again. I talk about mental illness and the paths others have used to be able to live a happy life, even with the illness. Listening, really listening, is crucial. I try and do an 80/20 method, whereas I listen for 80% of the time and speak for 20% of the time. Don’t compare situations, we are all different and handle stress differently. Don’t judge or argue. Most people want to live."

Darkness of the mind!

There's no logic to the illogic of self-termination. There are trivial reasons too: a `selfie addict' who took 200 pics a day, attempted suicide when he couldn't get a 'perfect' photo. India has been called the world's most depressed nation, with 36 % of the population suffering from major depression. Author Eckhart Tolle considered suicide after growing up in a broken home, the author says that from early on, he developed a heavy "pain-body," his term for the accumulation of old emotional pain people carry. He talks about how people who endure greater feelings of misery and despair are more likely to cast their pain-bodies aside.

Says psychiatrist Dr Avdesh Sharma, "To bring back a person from hopelessness is to give him hope with a possibility of things settling and getting better overtime; whatever has happened can be mended or accepted; giving them unconditional love and acceptance (whatever wrong may have happened). Giving up usually does not happen suddenly; it may have been building up and more significantly no one to listen, share or accept may create the situation of attempted suicide. There may be need for treatment, especially in severe depression. Medication may take some time to act and till then support, caring, hope, listening, empathy and being available is extremely useful. Creating social support systems, investing in mutually fulfilling unconditional relationships or making efforts to be available to others helps overcome feelings of darkness."

Talk and Listen

There's increased stress, decreased resilience and we are an highly aspirational society. It was her friend's suicide in IIT Guwahati that made Richa Singh start YourDOST.com to prevent suicides. Since then, she's stopped 60,000 from trying to end their lives. Says Richa, "A suicide attempt is a momentary impulse, the build-up usually is gradual and the suicide plan pre-meditated. When life feels overwhelming, death can seem fascinating. When life feels like a battle, a struggle to stay afloat, a need to stay ahead, a demand to prove oneself is overwhelming. To bring back a person from the edge: do not be too positive, or try too hard to convince them about life; stay aware, stay alert and stay calm. Do not leave the person alone. Remind them that you are with them and they aren't alone. Don't tell them that they have been stupid, or that how could they do that, or anything to reprimand them."

(Nona Walia is a successful journalist and writer. She’s the author of The Art of Mental Toughness: Survival Lessons from the Pandemic. A motivational expert, she is passionate about helping people live their lives in the best possible way. A wellness warrior and a wellness blogger, Walia has done certified online course on Science of Well-Being from the Yale University. She runs a Wellness Channel on YouTube. She has worked with The Times of India for 24 years as a Senior Assistant Editor and is also the acclaimed writer of many articles for Thrive Global.)